Sangokaijo - The Game of Games
by iamazul
Summary: On a rare night off, the Sanzo-ikkou rope Sharrak into playing a twisted board game of their own creation. Aka what if the anime episode had been a little less Jumanji and a little more It's Always Sunny in Philadelpha?
1. Chapter 1

**So...this is what happens when a bored college student discovers Saiyuki over winter break, falls irrevocably in love, and then watches the ChardeeMacDennis episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Hope you enjoy! **

"Sangokaijo?" Sharrak repeated as she leaned against the doorway, the word clumsy on her tongue. She peered into the room at the four men sitting around the small dining table to make sure she hadn't heard wrong.

Hakkai nodded. "Yes. It's a game we play when we have a sizable chunk of free time on our hands. "

"Sanzo usually has to be pretty drunk before we start, though" Goku pouted. "Otherwise he won't play."

It certainly looked to be that way now. Bottles of sake lined the edges of the table, with a few more rolling around on the floor. But even more telling was the absence of the deep furrows that usually lined the blond man's brow. "Sharrak," he called out to her, raising his cup to his lips. His words weren't slurred exactly, but the delivery was definitely more relaxed than she was used to. She had to admit, it was rather amusing. "Play with us. The monkey and kappa need you."

Gojyo nudged Goku and whispered, "Our Sanzo the wallflower, instigating social interaction? He must be drunker than I thought."

"I'm not drunk, I just need a better challenge than you two idiots," Sanzo pointed, sloshing around the drink in his cup. Goku tried to hide a giggle behind his hand. "They haven't won in three years!"

"Three years," she repeated, raising an eyebrow. "How is that even possible?"

Hakkai shrugged. "It is indeed a statistical anomaly."

Goku sprang up from the table and grabbed her hand. "Sit next to me, Sharak!" he urged, dragging her towards his side of the table. She stumbled forward to keep her balance. "I'm tired of being on a team with just stupid Gojyo."

A quick headcount meant that Gojyo needed to move over to make room for her, and yet the redhead refused to budge. "Hold on there, monkey. Who even said she could play anyways? I mean, the game gets pretty intense, and I don't like seeing women get hurt."

"Weren't you the one who cried after round three last time, Gojyo?" Hakkai asked innocently.

Gojyo shoved the table forward, sending an empty bottle tumbling over the edge. "I didn't cry! I just…had something in my eye, that's all."

Sanzo grunted and mopped up his spilled drunk with his robes. Sharak (not for the first time) silently praised the gods for making them stain repellent. "That's the oldest excuse in the book," he drawled.

"Older than telling someone they can't play because they're a woman?" Sharrak asked pointedly. She sat down and elbowed Gojyo in the stomach.

Gojyo grudgingly made room for her. "Hey, I'm just trying to protect you. _They're_ the ones you need to worry about," he argued, nodding towards the two men on the other side of the table. "Sanzo and Hakkai get weirdly intense about these games, and they both hate to lose."

Sharak reached over and plucked Sanzo's drink from his fingers. She downed it quickly in one gulp, relishing both the burn and the look of shock on his face. "Well I guess this time they're gonna have to suck it up."

Goku threw his hands in the air and whooped. "Alright, we'll win this time for sure!"

"Anyone besides you has to be an improvement," Gojyo teased. "All you know about is food."

Hakkai ruffled through his pack until all the supplies had been laid out on the table: various bottles of alcohol, a few grocery bags, a wooden board, homemade playing cards, darts, and … _a hammer and nails? _

"Make sure you bolt it down tightly this time," Sanzo grunted.

"Oh, Hakkai, I'll do it!" Goku volunteered cheerfully. His tongue stuck out of the corner of his lip as he began to nail down the board to what Sharak knew to be a 150 year old table from the Qin dynasty.

"Wait… What?" Her voice was an octave above normal.

"It's so Gojyo doesn't try to flip the board over later," Goku said in a way that Sharrak thought was supposed to be informative.

Hakkai pulled out a few wedges of cheese from the grocery bags and began to arrange them artfully on to a small platter. "I was so hoping Gojyo had gotten over that bad habit of his," he sighed dramatically.

"Hey, quit making me sound like a brat!" Gojyo grumbled.

"Hey Sharrak, if you have anything that can break, you might want to put it away, ok? " Goku interjected, continuing to wail away with the hammer as if the board had somehow personally offended him. She was starting to feel a little dizzy.

"Well if the shoe fits, kappa…" Sanzo smirked. He uncorked four large bottles of wine and one of grape juice. It was the first time she had ever seen him do anything remotely close to physical labor. And somehow that was the scariest thing of all.

Hakkai placed the cheese plate in the center of the table. "If everything's settled, shall we start?" he asked, smiling in a way that looked distinctly predatory.

Actually, nevermind. _That _was the scariest.


	2. Chapter 2

**I was pleasantly surprised to get some reviews for the last chapter, since I figured that the concept of the story was too bizarre for anyone to actually read it :p But I'd be happy to keep writing as long as people like it, since this plot bunny amuses me way too much to not try it out a bit. **

**Hope you enjoy! **

"The point of the game is actually fairly simple," Hakkai explained.

Gojyo looked to his teammate and rolled his eyes. "We had to make it dumb enough that the monkey could understand."

"And you too!" Goku argued. "You're the one who always forgets the rules halfway through when you get too drunk!"

"Stupid monkey!"

"Leachy cockroach!"

"Shut up, and let Hakkai explain the game or I will kill you," Sanzo glowered, caressing the banishing gun. The two of them grabbed each other and cowered.

Hakkai cleared his throat pointedly. "As I was saying, the game is essentially a race to the finish from level one to level three. This is the board." He mentioned toward the wooden piece now bolted to the table in front of them. It contained three circles with the words Level 1, Level 2, and Level 3. "We start at Level 1, which is mind. That consists of trivia, puzzles, and artistry. It is also the level in which the alcohol being consumed is wine - "

Goku took a sip of his own cup. "I drink grape juice, cuz wine tastes nasty."

"Level two, body, includes physical challenge, pain, and endurance - " Hakkai continued.

"That's the beer level," Gojyo interjected.

" - And then level three is the spirit –"

Gojyo eyed the honey whiskey warily. "Also known as the hard alcohol level."

"which includes emotional battery and public humiliation."

"You say that with such a straight face," she muttered.

"- In each level both teams need to collect a given number of cards to move on to the next. And that' all there is to it," Hakkai concluded.

"And the winner gets a great prize," Sanzo said with a look of pure bliss. "The chance to step on their idiot faces."

Sharrak looked to her teammates to interpret.

"The winners get to stomp on the losers' game pieces," Goku pouted. "But Gojyo and I always lose so our pieces are all beat up."

Hakkai held up his hand for her to see. Cradled in the spectacled man's palm were two game pieces, whittled from wood. Both were almost battered beyond recognition, but she was able to make out two antennae and a cape.

"I made them myself." Hakkai explained, smiling. "The process is very cathartic."

She shivered involuntarily.

Gojyo pointed to the other two pristine game pieces sitting on the board and exclaimed, "Yeah, well this time me and Goku are gonna step on you guys!" Since these had yet to be mauled, Sharrak was able to appreciate Hakkai's craftsmanship. The Sanzo piece even had a readable sutra.

Goku jumped up to high-five the taller man. "Go team Monkey Kappa Combo Attack!" He frowned slightly. "But maybe we can't call it that anymore since Sharrak's playing with us."

"It's Goku and I, Gojyo," Hakkai chided. "And correct me if I'm wrong, Sanzo, but I think the Golden Geese are about to take in yet another victory."

Sanzo nodded and raised his glass in a toast. "To your wisdom, sir."

Hakkai hummed pleasantly. "May you continue your streak of splendid performances, good sir."

Sharrak looked sharply between the two men. "…why are they talking like that?"

"Oh, Hakkai likes to have a wine and cheese ceremony in between the rounds." Goku explained. He raised his glass of grape juice to Hakkai and giggled. "I truly hope you have a fine game, sir."

"And you sir," the man replied, clinking their glasses together.

Sanzo raised his glass to Gojyo lazily. "It gives the illusion of respect for your opponent."

"I found it nice to begin the proceedings with a hint of civility, as the game can grow dark rather quickly," Hakkai replied. He tilted his glass to her. "Best wishes to you, ma'am."

Well, when in Rome… "And you, sir," she said, bowing into a light curtsy with a flourish of robe.

Gojyo grinned. "Now she's gettin it!"

Hakkai drew a card. "Ok, Sanzo, the first card is trivia. Remember you have one chance to get it right, or else the other team has a chance to steal."

Sanzo exhaled a ring of smoke. "Just read the damn card, already."

Hakkai opened the envelope and smiled deeply. "Oh, you'll definitely get this one. What is the best condiment to put in ramen?"

"Mayonaise," Sanzo answered without hesitation.

Hakkai's eyes gleamed. "Correct."

Goku thumped his head on the table. "Awww we're gonna lose again!"

"Wait a minute," she protested. "How is that trivia? It doesn't even make sense!"

"We wrote the cards ourselves; so there's bound to be some opinion in them," Sanzo said smugly.

"Damn priest has the taste bud of an alien," Gojyo muttered.

"It's more of a memory game than anything else," Hakkai continued. "But those are the rules, so drink up! Each of you get five seconds each."

Sharrak locked eyes with Gojyo as they raised their bottles and shrugged. "Five seconds isn't so bad."

Gojyo winced. "You don't get it. When we drink, the other team gets to count."

"And Sanzo counts real slow. I usually finish my grape juice." Goku said, looking positively delighted at the prospect.

She looked from Goku's drink to her bottle of wine and was horrified to find them the same size.

Sanzo cleared his throat and began to count. "Oooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeee….."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Ffffffffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeee," Sanzo finished loudly.

Sharrak threw down her bottle and gasped. Normally she was decent holding her alcohol, but that had been well over half a bottle. "Let's not do that again," she wheezed.

Gojyo grunted and slid Goku a card across the table. His face was definitely ruddier than it had been before, to the point where it was only a shade or two lighter than his hair. "Whatever. Well, whatever because we are definitely gonna win this round."

Goku perked up almost instantly. "Yeah!"

"No puzzles no puzzles no puzzles no puzzles," the two of them chanted together.

"Alright, trivia!" he cheered, raising his fist in the air. "And you definitely wrote this one, Gojyo."

"Lay it on me," he slurred confidently.

Goku began to read. "Sanzo is asshole. Why Gojyo hate?"

Gojyo's smile faltered, while Hakkai's and Sanzo's grew. "Umm…I don't know…a lot of reasons?"

"Gojyo, you wrote it!" Goku whined. "Stupid kappa – try to remember!"

"I don't think I wrote that card," Gojyo said, shrugging.

Hakkai laughed. "Gojyo, who else would have written that?"

"When you get drunk you're even less literate than the monkey," Sanzo snorted.

"Hey!" Goku and Gojyo cried in unison.

"Throw out a guess," Sharrak suggested.

"Ummm…pass," Gojyo said finally.

Hakkai almost jumped out of his seat. "Pass? Did he say pass?"

Sanzo moved to grab the card, but Goku shoved his hand away. "No, he doesn't pass yet!" Goku shrieked.

"Just say something, Gojyo!" She urged.

Gojyo stroked his chin in deep thought. "Uhh…I….pass."

Goku grabbed Gojyo by the shoulders and shook him. "You couldn't think of one thing? You complain about him in the backseat almost every day!"

"Yeah, and if I'd said any of those things now, he would have shot me!" he hissed, looking furtively over to where Sanzo sat brandishing his Smith and Weisson at the head of the table. "Sanzo tends to skip the fan and go straight for the gun after he's been drinking."

Sanzo plucked the card from the center of the board. "His species does have strong instincts for self-preservation. Hakkai?"

"Oh, the answer?" Hakkai replied, his voice shifting into the disappointed tone of a primary school teacher. "Gojyo hate Sanzo because he is a droopy eyed, baldy monk and a bastard man."

Sanzo smirked. "Correct."

"I definitely wrote that," Gojyo said softly, nodding to himself.

"Ugh, Hakkai how do you _know_?" Goku moaned.

"Ahahaha, it must be our roommate connection?" Hakkai supplied helpfully. If she didn't know better Sharrak would think he sounded almost nervous. "Anyways, five more seconds on the clock!"

Sharrak groaned and raised her bottle along with Gojyo. "I thought we were 'definitely gonna win this round.'"

"That was the outcome I was going for," Gojyo grumbled.

"I don't get what you guys are complaining about," Goku said, smiling brightly with purple-tinged lips. "This part's fun!"

"You'll understand when you're older, Goku," Hakkai said knowingly. He looked at her for a brief second with something resembling sympathy. No, was it…apology? "And… go!"

"Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeee."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"This clue is artistry," Hakkai read aloud. "Both teams must draw the clue from the card on your teammate's back. The teammate must guess the clue solely based on feel."

"I'm drawing," Sanzo said immediately.

Hakkai raised an arm tentatively. "Actually, Sanzo, I'm not so sure that's a good idea…"

"Why do you wanna draw, Sanzo?" Goku interrupted.

Sanzo rolled his eyes. "Because I don't want you idiots touching me any more than necessary."

Gojyo fluttered his eyelashes at the blond. "Aawww, Sanzo-sama's so shy!"

"Watch it, you'll end up like your piece," Sanzo hissed, looking towards the distinctly bullet ridden Gojyo figurine in the center of the table. The red head paled.

Goku ignored the pandemonium he'd caused and handed her a marker. "You draw on me, ok?"

Gojyo nodded in approval. "He's right. The saru's weirdly good at this one." He flipped over the hour glass and looked towards their game maker. "I'm starting the clock, 'kai. And…go."

Sharak flipped over the card. The word _kicking _had been written in childish scrawl. Sharrak looked at Goku and resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Figured the kid would pick something literally undrawable.

Sharrak settled for stabbing Goku repeatedly in the back with the marker.

Gojyo looked at the card and laughed. "I guess all Sanzos favor the brute force method."

"Bullets?" Goku guessed. "Fighting?"

She doubled her rate of stabbing. "Well it's working, isn't it?"

On the other side of the table Sanzo used one hand to draw and the other to hold Hakkai in place.

"Hakkai, stop moving!"

Hakkai yelped and squirmed away. "I can't help it!" Sanzo shifted to use his weight to brace Hakkai to the floor.

"Just stay still for a damn second!" Sanzo snarled.

"Punching?"

"Aww, he's so close," Gojyo muttered next to her, jumping up and down in his seat.

Hakkai's leg shot out and hit the table. "Sanzo, you're – tickling me," he panted, laughing against his will.

Goku turned around and looked at her. "Kicking?"

She smirked. "Kicking."

Gojyo whooped and ruffled Goku's hair. "Wow, I can't believe the chibi-saru got it! Nice job!"

Goku beamed. "Yeah, well, we only got it because Hakkai kept messing up. And cuz Sharrak's a super good artist."

Sharrak opened her mouth to inform Goku that repeatedly stabbing someone didn't really constitute art. But all protests died on her lips when she saw Sanzo give Hakkai a glare that would have wilted flowers.

Hakkai smiled sheepishly. "I'll make it up next round?"

"You better," Sanzo threatened. "Or I'll –"

"Sorry to interrupt your little lover's quarrel," Gojyo broke in, "But there's something you guys have to do now."

Hakkai nodded and lifted his bottled of wine dutifully. "Cheers," he said to Sanzo.

"Maybe for you," the blond grumbled in return.

The three of them looked at each other and began in unison.

"Oooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeee!"


End file.
